Letter to Kate

by Kate Andersen, M.Ed.

Dear Kate,

My six-year old son and I are constantly battling. He is very, very stubborn. For instance, last night he asked if he could have another helping of dessert. When I said "no" he went on and on asking. So I said he could not go out to play (because he would not take "no" for an answer.) So he said he would not leave the table until he got some more dessert. Believe it or not, he stayed there for over an hour.

That's where we are now. He is still hollering and I am writing to you.

Help!!!

Sincerely,

Sick of Power Struggles
(and I mean physically sick, I have just thrown up!)

Dear Sick of Power Struggles,

Phew! It makes me tired just reading your story. I hope you are ready to hear this because it might make you even madder. Remember that it takes two to tango. The problem is not just that your son is "very, very stubborn". He may indeed be a child who is low in adaptability and high in persistence, two temperament traits that add up to behavior that parents often describe as 'extremely stubborn'.

The rest of this issue is devoted to the topic of "power struggles". I hope it helps!

Sincerely,

Kate

"You really love to win, don't you?" I will ask, chuckling.

"No, I don't."

"I think maybe you do."

"No, you've got me wrong."

"Really?"

"Don't psychoanalyze me."

"OK."

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Well, what's your point?"

"We were talking about the fact you like to win."

"WE weren't talking about it. YOU were saying it and it's not true."

"No?"

"NO!!!"

"Okay, if you say so."

At this point, there would either be laughter, accompanied by that look of a light-bulb going on, or the parent would storm off (sometimes to call me back later and agree with me).

The courageous parents who stuck around eager to hear more could probably tell from my own tone and body language that I was not being critical or judgmental. So I would give them a little control back as a reward for being so open to listening. "So what's so bad about being interested in control. I bet you have a lot of leadership qualities. Right?"

Anyway, after learning about the parents' considerable strengths in getting things done in arenas where being a determined individual was a great attribute, I would then ask them to remind me how we got into this topic.

"Because of power struggles I am having with my kid."

"Oh, right! So what's the connection?"

Sigh. Heave. Sigh. Smile. Sigh. Smile.

At this point we would often have a fruitful discussion about how stubborn traits can push your buttons (including mine!) and about the fact that there are many areas over which parents should have control. Then we would explore the child's temperament and talk about setting priorities and avoiding having power struggles over minor issues. Because the parent had so often gotten to dislike their child so much, I would make a point of working on rebuilding the bond. Often this meant reframing the child's interest in control as a potentially positive but currently misdirected attribute, too. It was often necessary to consider the response of others in the child's world - the descriptions from teachers of an "attitude", the advice from grandparents to "beat the heck out of the kid" and the generally negative response from the world about the child's behavior.

So, while the temperament guidance and behavior management methods described in this newsletter will be needed for unlocking from power struggles and learning how to problem-solve and negotiate with children, referral of parents in these situations for individual, marital or family therapy is often very important, too.

Should Children Who Want To Be In Control Be Given More Choices?

I asked Dr. Sean McDevitt, Editorial Consultant, for his opinion: "This is an excellent question, but it is perhaps in the wrong form. Children always have choices and the real issue is whether parents will give them good choices in bad situations. Power struggles are counterproductive nearly all of the time, so it is important to be able to divert the focus off of the power issue and onto the situation that led to it. This is done by going back to the beginning and giving another choice or another chance at improving the original choice. In short you don't want to "go there" when it becomes a matter of power. As the parent you must show your child that you are in control because he or she would be terrified if they felt you couldn't keep them safe. But that is different than needing to punish or hurt the child because things have escalated out of control."

Temperamentally it is usually the non-adaptable child who refuses to comply and sets up the power struggle. Often the refusal is because the child can't change enough or quickly enough to meet expectations. Giving additional time "to get used to the idea" or accepting an approximation of the desired behavior (cleaning up par of the mess in her room) will meet with compliance. This may require good planning on the part of the parent who eventually learns that telling Billy about the doctor's appointment on Thursday morning on Tuesday and reminding on Wednesday results in acceptance, while telling him an hour ahead of time would result in a tantrum.

For the persistent child, it may be helpful after the third time to respond to questioning by asking back "what did I say about that?" rather than allowing it to become the evening mantra. When child restates your position say "Good! You heard what I said, and know the answer." If the child doesn't know what you said, say "You didn't listen to my answer" and explain it patiently again. Repeat as above thereafter.

In all of this it is very important for the parent not to show anger or frustration. Otherwise the child will believe that the reason for the battle is the parent's 'bad mood' and not their behavior. If this occurs nothing will be gained from the battle. By remaining even the focus can stay on the child's choices about their behavior, where it should be.

TIPS FOR COPING WITH 'STUBBORN' BEHAVIOR

1. Make sure you understand your child's temperament. If a child is low in adaptability, switching gears is difficult. Be sure to provide plenty of warning before transitions. A persistent child will find it harder to stop complaining. Listen to the first couple of complaints. "Turn off your ears after that. Just ignore the resulting screaming and tantrums.

2. Plan ahead and determine what action you will take if your child continues to resist and defy you, even if you have given plenty of warning. Respond calmly. Don't overreact!

3. Remove a privilege or place the child in time out for defiant behavior. Leave the teaching (the talking about compromising, for example) for later, when you are both calmer.

4. Remember you are the adult, and your child is - well - a child. Don't try to get even. Try to teach compromising and negotiating.

5. Use books, puppets, and other occasions to discuss problem-solving and compromising with older preschoolers and school-age children.

6. When you see evidence of compromising, no matter how small, praise and state specifically what was praiseworthy: "I noticed you and Allison worked things out when you both wanted the swing. Well done!"

7. While consistency is important, it is also a good idea to apologize to your child when you are wrong. From time to time, agree to change a plan if your child comes up with a better idea. These actions model compromising behavior to your child.

8. Make it clear that you value getting along together more than winning. A home focused on high grades, winning at sports, being the best, having the most, and so on, reinforces controlling rather than compromising behavior.

9. Don't use your child as a battleground for avoiding dealing with other problems in the family.

10. Cultivate your sense of humor. It will get you through many rough spots.

Positive & Negative Indicators

Early Interventionist researcher and expert on family-centered practice, Dr. Carl Dunst, and his colleagues derived 20 indicators of empowerment based on parents' reports. They are listed below with some illustrations of negative indicators. These negative indicators may be helpful to you in identifying practitioners and programs who disempower you. Take action if you think this is happening!

1. Viewing parents in a positive light. Negative Indicator: Families are described as dysfunctional, needy or ignorant.

2. The professional does not automatically treat parents as the cause of the problem. Negative Indicator: Families are automatically sent to parenting programs without exploration of other causes of their difficulties.

3. Parents need to know that they can find somebody to care for a family member. Negative indicator: Parents are told that there are no services and they must rely on extended family for help.

4. Parents need to feel good about themselves when they make important accomplishments. Negative indicator: As soon as the practitioner hears what they've accomplished, they are reminded how much further they have to go.

5. Parents need to have positive feelings that are associated with 'doing a good job'. Negative indicator: Parents are reminded how much more help they need.

6. When parents know that the professional will find the type of child care needed. Negative indicator: The professional hints that the child would be better off at home.

7. The professional views parents as capable of learning new skills. Negative indicator: The practitioner implies that some strategies are too difficult for them to learn and they need to rely on a specialist.

8. The professional helps parents find solutions to their problems. Negative indicator: The professional suggests that only professionals can solve their problems.

9. The parent can influence the quality of child care. Negative indicator: The professional implies that child care professionals know more about children's needs than they do.

10. The parent knows about health services in the community. Negative indicator: The parent learns about a service too late.

11. The professional encourages parents to make their own decisions. Negative indicator: The professional states that a decision should be post-poned until another consultant has been involved.

12. The professional works together with parents. Negative indicator: The professional browbeats the family into a service.

13. The professional shares all relevant information with parents. Negative indicator: The professional holds back numerous pieces of information.

14. The professional believes in family capabilities. Negative indicator: The professional constantly implies that the family is not coping well.

15. The professional helps parents learn new skills. Negative indicator: The professional talks vaguely and abstractly about 'issues' and 'work to be done' and does not provide practical skills or information.

16. The parent can identify past efforts at successfully dealing with problems. Negative indicator: The parent adopts the professionals' view that the past is all a mess.

17. The parent believes in the ability to make good things happen in life. Negative indicator: The parent feels hopeless no matter how much 'help' he or she has received.

18. The professional focuses on parent strengths. Negative indicator: The professional discusses only the problem areas.

19. The parent has good feelings associated with past parenting efforts. Negative indicator: The professional speaks of all past parenting as problematic and poorly-managed.

20. The professional places emphases on helping parents learn new skills. Negative indicator: The professional emphasizes internal processes, the past, or professional treatment rather than skills of parents.

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